Stillborn, Never Forgotten: Navigating Grief 18 Years Later

Gone, But Not Forgotten

The year 2007 was filled with both joy and sadness in my life....

It was a joyous time, as it was the year my husband and I reunited after being apart for seven months due to his job. Additionally, it was the year my younger brother moved to the United States. I was delighted to have more family around me and my 2 year old.

However, amidst all that excitement, I encountered one of the most challenging and darkest times of my life, perhaps the darkest. It was the day I lost my beloved Eliana. February 21, 2007, will be a day I will never forget....

It has taken me 18 years to finally share/write about this event in my life. While others may forget, you can never truly forget. The anguish a parent feels from losing a pregnancy, a young child, or an older child, (regardless of age), is incomprehensible—particularly for the mother who carried that child in her womb for nine months.

Where did I go wrong I asked myself multiple times?

I followed all the instructions given to me, adhering to the doctor's advice to take it easy. I was on bed rest for several days before the event. In fact, due to spotting I noticed weeks earlier, my husband and I decided that I should start my maternity leave earlier than planned.

The wonderful people who cared for and supported me throughout my pregnancy were all excited and looking forward to the day I would give birth. They organized a baby shower, and before I began my maternity leave, my coworkers gave me gifts and cards. My c-section was scheduled for a specific date because of concerns about my health, I had hypertension, which was a significant reason for my bed rest. I developed preeclampsia in the seventh month of my first pregnancy, leading to my first c-section.

Preeclampsia, also known as abruptio placentae is a condition characterized by sustained high blood pressure occurring during pregnancy or postpartum

That fateful day....

I was at home in the evening with my 2 year old daughter, while my husband had just gone to the library, planning to stay for about an hour. The library was very close to our house. I had just finished a phone call with one of my aunts when, less than 15 minutes later, I started experiencing pain and discomfort. Initially, I thought they were Braxton Hicks contractions, which I had been experiencing, but these felt different. I later discovered they were uterine contractions, typically longer and more intense than regular labor contractions. Additionally, I noticed that my baby wasn't kicking as she usually did at that time of day, and I immediately sensed something was wrong. I called my doctor's on-call number and was informed that she was out of town, but her colleague was available and covering for all her patients. They advised me to go to the hospital right away, and the doctor would meet me there.

I ended the call and contacted my husband, who immediately began hurrying home. He arrived within minutes, and we set off for the hospital. By then, I was experiencing intense pain.

When we arrived at the ER and explained the situation, they quickly contacted the labor and delivery team, who hurried down within minutes to assist me. They started an emergency c-section, and from their expressions, I already understood the heartbreaking truth: my baby had passed away inside me. The diagnosis was placental abruption.

Placental abruption happens when the placenta partially or fully detaches from the uterine wall before childbirth. This can reduce or obstruct the baby's oxygen and nutrient supply and lead to significant bleeding in the mother.

Placental abruption is a severe condition that affects approximately 1% of pregnancies, or 1 in 100 cases. It can result from various factors, including high blood pressure, which was the cause in my situation.

I felt my world falling apart right before my eyes. This can't be. They can't be talking about my baby. The one who has been so active for the past 36 weeks, kicking and moving around inside me. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? So many thoughts raced through my mind. I was in shock.

The entire team expressed their condolences and asked my husband if he wanted to hold the baby before they took her away as I was crying uncontrollably and thinking, Lord, this can't be real.

And just like that, Eliana was gone. She appeared as if she were peacefully sleeping while I stroked her hair and cheeks, as my husband held her. I was in such emotional pain that I couldn't bring myself to hold her... a decision I have regretted ever since... not holding her tightly in my arms.

The emotional pain I was experiencing was so intense that even after the anesthesia faded, I couldn't feel the physical pain from the incision area.

I was discharged two days later, and thus began the journey to healing......

Each person experiences grief and loss in their own way. For me, I felt compelled to dive into work just days after being discharged from the hospital. I wanted to avoid the persistent thoughts that kept invading my mind and having to deal with my loss and to an extent I wanted to be away from everything and everyone that reminded me of Eliana even if it was for a few hours a day.

About two weeks later, once I felt physically recovered, I decided to go back to work, but at a different company. I wanted to steer clear of condolences and sympathetic looks; I wasn't ready for that. I was looking for a fresh start in a place where no one knew about my situation. As a result, I got a job interview with a Manhattan recruiting firm for a position based in Murray Hill, New Jersey, and a few days later, I got offered the job. That specific job was precisely what I required at that time.

It's been 18 years, and I am thankful to God for blessing me with another child. My son arrived two years after Eliana. What a journey it has been. Eliana will always be missed, and no child can take her place in my heart. In 2012, I experienced a miscarriage at nearly 5 months, which was incredibly heartbreaking. I couldn't believe I was facing another loss, but through it all, God remained faithful. At that point, my husband and I decided not to try again. We were deeply grateful for the two wonderful children God had given us and our other precious ones who are with Him in heaven.

You never forget, even when others do, but the Lord has granted me the strength to keep going and to nurture, support, and care for my two children. Over the years, I have also been privileged to care for several children in foster care.

My beloved children in heaven will always have a special place in my heart, and with God's blessing, I anticipate being reunited with them at His designated time. In the meantime, I am committed to progressing in my future endeavors, using the talents and resources God has provided me to impact the lives of women and children in need, both within my community and around the world, through my nonprofit organization, DOZme International.

If you have faced the loss of a child at any age, a miscarriage or stillbirth, know that you are not alone. In my darkest moments, the Lord cared for me, and His Holy Spirit gave me the strength and ability to move forward. I am grateful for His blessings. Let Him do the same for you, bringing supportive people into your life to comfort and assist you on your journey. "He has made everything beautiful in its time" Eccles 3:11

God bless you, and thank you for reading my story.

I remain yours in the faith,

Margaret (MKO)